Letters to the turntable (1)
GUEST - "Hey Harv! I own a small general store on the south side of Chicago . . . . Earlier this week I was at the cash register checking out customers and ran into a situation that I hope you can help me with.
"There were 2 customers lined up at the checkout each purchasing the same item. The first customer gave me a ten dollar bill and I gave back the correct change."
"The second customer, purchasing the same item, gave me a One hundred dollar bill and said "I want a discount!". I said "I'm sorry but we only give discounts for volume purchases and you have only 1 item". He said "this is! . . . a volume purchase . . . I'm giving you more dollars." I said "Oh I can see where this might be confusing to you but it doesn't work that way. You see, you must purchase more ITEMS to qualify for a discounted price". . . . Well . . . let's just say he didn't get it. He just said "OK I'll let it pass this time but the next time I come in I want the discount" Then he left the store."
"Let me just say . . . this guy is a REALLY BIG BLACK DUDE, well over 6 feet tall. I don't want to get into any kind of confrontation with him and the police are not really quick to respond in my area. Now. . I know you are pretty good with words . . and . . I was hoping you might give me a script to quickly explain what a "VOLUME DISCOUNT" is."
Harv - "Is his name Leroy?
GUEST - "Why . . . Yes!!"
Harv - "JUST GIVE HIM THE DISCOUNT!!!"
GUEST - "Hey Harv! I own a small general store on the south side of Chicago . . . . Earlier this week I was at the cash register checking out customers and ran into a situation that I hope you can help me with.
"There were 2 customers lined up at the checkout each purchasing the same item. The first customer gave me a ten dollar bill and I gave back the correct change."
"The second customer, purchasing the same item, gave me a One hundred dollar bill and said "I want a discount!". I said "I'm sorry but we only give discounts for volume purchases and you have only 1 item". He said "this is! . . . a volume purchase . . . I'm giving you more dollars." I said "Oh I can see where this might be confusing to you but it doesn't work that way. You see, you must purchase more ITEMS to qualify for a discounted price". . . . Well . . . let's just say he didn't get it. He just said "OK I'll let it pass this time but the next time I come in I want the discount" Then he left the store."
"Let me just say . . . this guy is a REALLY BIG BLACK DUDE, well over 6 feet tall. I don't want to get into any kind of confrontation with him and the police are not really quick to respond in my area. Now. . I know you are pretty good with words . . and . . I was hoping you might give me a script to quickly explain what a "VOLUME DISCOUNT" is."
Harv - "Is his name Leroy?
GUEST - "Why . . . Yes!!"
Harv - "JUST GIVE HIM THE DISCOUNT!!!"
GUEST - "Hi Mr. Harvey. I feel so privileged to write to you. I am a fan and have enjoyed each and every Turntable you've published over the last couple of years. You must have a big heart to be familiar with all the old love songs, and, I think you just might be able to help me with my current relationship issue."
"I've been going with my boyfriend for 3 years and love him dearly. He's not perfect though. For example; The landlord called yesterday and told me the rent was 3 months overdue and he was getting impatient. His work called 3 times last week wondering where he was. . . Let's just say I'm getting a tiny bit concerned.
I've been totally faithful in our relationship and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am now 6 months pregnant and would like to get married." "He, on the other hand, has not been faithful! He has been so terribly unfaithful to me over the years that . . . I'm not even sure that the baby I'm carrying . . . is his!!!
Try as I may, I have been unable to convince him to quit his philandering! Yesterday he came home with acase of beer and told me that next week he plans to have a young girl move in with us for a while! He told me to clean things up really nice because he wants to make a good impression on her. Then he said I would be sleeping in the guest room for a while . . . ALONE!"
"What do you think I should do???"
Harv - "Well lets see . . . I am not really in the relationship business . . but . .
EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD TO ME!!
Quit worrying and Hang in there . . . He'll probably change!"
"I've been going with my boyfriend for 3 years and love him dearly. He's not perfect though. For example; The landlord called yesterday and told me the rent was 3 months overdue and he was getting impatient. His work called 3 times last week wondering where he was. . . Let's just say I'm getting a tiny bit concerned.
I've been totally faithful in our relationship and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am now 6 months pregnant and would like to get married." "He, on the other hand, has not been faithful! He has been so terribly unfaithful to me over the years that . . . I'm not even sure that the baby I'm carrying . . . is his!!!
Try as I may, I have been unable to convince him to quit his philandering! Yesterday he came home with acase of beer and told me that next week he plans to have a young girl move in with us for a while! He told me to clean things up really nice because he wants to make a good impression on her. Then he said I would be sleeping in the guest room for a while . . . ALONE!"
"What do you think I should do???"
Harv - "Well lets see . . . I am not really in the relationship business . . but . .
EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD TO ME!!
Quit worrying and Hang in there . . . He'll probably change!"
Till Next Week
Harv
footnote (1) -
Letters to the Turntable are completely confidential and held in strict confidence. Letters, or excerpts of information contained therein, is not published, shared or transferred to any organization that might use the contents for personal gain or profit. These conditions are strictly adhered to by editors and staff of the Turntable. The one notable exception . . . Harv . . . who, when finding a letter to contain information that might, upon sale or publishment, result in personal gain . . . will make every effort to "CASH IN!!"
Signed . . . Turntable Legal Staff
Harv
footnote (1) -
Letters to the Turntable are completely confidential and held in strict confidence. Letters, or excerpts of information contained therein, is not published, shared or transferred to any organization that might use the contents for personal gain or profit. These conditions are strictly adhered to by editors and staff of the Turntable. The one notable exception . . . Harv . . . who, when finding a letter to contain information that might, upon sale or publishment, result in personal gain . . . will make every effort to "CASH IN!!"
Signed . . . Turntable Legal Staff