Blog Archives

Turntable 10/27/2014

10/27/2014

H A P P Y H A L L O W E E N
Take care this Friday - I see a bad moon rising!

O - U - R F -I - R - S - T
       E - N - C - O - R - E P - R - E - S - E - N - T - I - O - N
    Halloween 2013

We got the candy . . . we're prepared . . . soon sly, disguised little ghosts and gobblins will be at our door. So let's get in the mood! Remember this one??

The scariest of all movies was "Frankenstein". I remember seeing that movie when I was a kid! Man, scared the crap out of me! Want to hear something really scary? How about creating a monster and then giving him the wrong brain!!!! Check this out!

Pretty scary Huh??? Consider how Frankenstein created the monster. First he had to dig somebodyup . . . not an easy task. Had to be done at night so nobody could see what they were doing. Of course you are in a pretty creepy surroundings . . . well. . . I guess it could be worse?

As you can see I'm leaning on Mel Brooks "Young Frankenstein" pretty heavily this week. I loved that movie. I've watched it many times and still love it!!! Gene Wilder was funny but Marty Feldman was CRAZY!!! Check this out.

BONUS!
Just thought I would throw this clip in for good measure . . . Dr Frankenstein meets Igor for the first time at the train station.

Till Next Week

Harv

0 Comments

Turntable 10/20/2014

10/20/2014

0 Comments

Attention: Any reference to actual people (living or dead) is purely coincidental. (You're welcome Joan!)

Ahhh Autumn! Cool crisp air, dazzling sunshine and leaves falling in a blizzard of blazing color! City or country, that's why we live up here in the north. Yes Sir! there is nothing like the change of seasons to keep you hearty and alive. Outside my window the finches are attacking our feeder. You kind of wonder if cold weather or snow could be on the horizon? Squirrels scamper about digging holes in the lawn hiding treasures that will help them navigate the cold winter that is most certainly approaching the runway. The pond is . . . ahhh , is . . . excuse me . . .

Where is what? What rake? . . No I don't want to do that now! I'm currently busy. . and my back hurts! Yes I know it's going to rain tomorrow. . . Look Joan, I'm discussing the wonders of Fall with the Coachmen group and wish to not be disturbed. . . . . . . . . Same to you~

Now where was I . . . Let's let Doris Day get us in the mood!

So I'm here sitting in my favorite leather recliner, next to a blazing fire, reading the exciting novel "Gone Girl". "Harvest Moon" by Neil Young is playing in the background. I have an ample glass of J.L. Lohr Cabernet (Red) sitting on the table next to me. Mid 40's outside with a rather stiff wind but cozy warm here next to the fire. These are the times that build memories that never fade. The kind of memories that . . . Ooops! I seem to have nudged my glass of wine off the table. . . The upside of having a very full glass of wine is less running back and forth to the kitchen. The downside is spreading in a large circle on the rug. Better take a moment and clean this up before Joan gets done raking leaves! Guess I'll have to call the "Rug Doctor"!

Ya know. . . it's almost Halloween. Seems funny but by the time Halloween comes around Fall is almost over. A couple of years ago we got 32" of snow on Halloween. The "Halloween Blizzard" was quite the event. Instant Winter!!! Raking leaves one day and shoveling 2.5 feet of snow the next. Joan could hardly keep up. That's why, this year I bought her a new, lightweight, aluminum shovel with neat floral designs on the handle, for her birthday! Oh well, I guess she'll like it better when it starts snowing.

Oh here she comes. I'm thinking she might be upset when she sees the rug. . . . I know, I'll start with "I've had an accident but I'm not hurt"! That should do it! Oh . . . and "I'm Sorry"!

Till Next Week

Harv

0 Comments

Turntable 10/13/2014

10/13/2014

0 Comments

THE TAIL

THE SET-UP

THE HOOK

THE STING

Till Next Week

Harv

0 Comments

Turntable 10/06/2014

10/6/2014

0 Comments

     Letters to the turntable (1)

GUEST - "Hey Harv! I own a small general store on the south side of Chicago . . . . Earlier this week I was at the cash register checking out customers and ran into a situation that I hope you can help me with.

"There were 2 customers lined up at the checkout each purchasing the same item. The first customer gave me a ten dollar bill and I gave back the correct change."

"The second customer, purchasing the same item,  gave me a One hundred dollar bill and said "I want a discount!". I said "I'm sorry but we only give discounts for volume purchases and you have only 1 item". He said "this is! . . . a volume purchase . . . I'm giving you more dollars."  I said "Oh I can see where this might be confusing to you but it doesn't work that way. You see, you must purchase more  ITEMS to qualify for a discounted price". . . . Well . . . let's just say he didn't get it. He just said "OK I'll let it pass this time but the next time I come in I want the discount"  Then he left the store."

"Let me just say . . . this guy is a REALLY BIG BLACK DUDE, well over 6 feet tall.  I don't want to get into any kind of confrontation with him and the police are not really quick to respond in my area. Now. . I know you are pretty good with words . . and . . I was hoping you might give me a script to quickly explain what a "VOLUME DISCOUNT" is."

Harv - "Is his name Leroy?

GUEST - "Why . . . Yes!!"

Harv - "JUST GIVE HIM THE DISCOUNT!!!"

GUEST - "Hi Mr. Harvey. I feel so privileged to write to you. I am a fan and have enjoyed each and every Turntable you've published over the last couple of years. You must have a big heart to be familiar with all the old love songs, and, I think you just might be able to help me with my current relationship issue."

"I've been going with my boyfriend for 3 years and love him dearly. He's not perfect though. For example; The landlord called yesterday and told me the rent was 3 months overdue and he was getting impatient. His work called 3 times last week wondering where he was. . . Let's just say I'm getting a tiny bit concerned.

I've been totally faithful in our relationship and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am now 6 months pregnant and would like to get married." "He, on the other hand, has not been faithful! He has been so terribly unfaithful to me over the years that . . . I'm not even sure that the baby I'm carrying . . . is his!!!

Try as I may, I have been unable to convince him to quit his philandering! Yesterday he came home with acase of beer and told me that next week he plans to have a young girl move in with us for a while! He told me to clean things up really nice because he wants to make a good impression on her. Then he said I would be sleeping in the guest room for a while . . . ALONE!"

"What do you think I should do???"

Harv - "Well lets see . . . I am not really in the relationship business . . but . .

EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD TO ME!!

Quit worrying and Hang in there . . . He'll probably change!"

Till Next Week

Harv

footnote (1) -
Letters to the Turntable are completely confidential and held in strict confidence. Letters, or excerpts of information contained therein, is not published, shared or transferred to any organization that might use the contents for personal gain or profit. These conditions are strictly adhered to by editors and staff of the Turntable. The one notable exception . . . Harv . . . who, when finding a letter to contain information that might, upon sale or publishment, result in personal gain . . . will make every effort to "CASH IN!!"
Signed . . . Turntable Legal Staff

0 Comments