Controversy: The latest breaking news about the race for Coachmen Mascot! It appears that after our report about their cavorting together, MuscleCarMan and Fluffy the squirrel have gone to ground, so to speak. The last report that our crack team of Investigative Reporters has is that Muscle man contacted a member of the Coachmen International from a pay phone (?) from Tish Mills to say that he (it) denied all claims of impropriety while cavorting with Fluffy and that no matter what he (it) would not be willing to pay child support or alimony. Which seems fair under the circumstances, since Fluffy is not likely to produce offspring, as Fluffy is a "he" not a "she", which has been confirmed by her Ladyship, Sharon of Manitowoc, who is known to be reliable, since she is a graduate of St. Mary's Catholic School in that same city. This news comes as a relief to the elites of the Coachmen Club International, since they were not entirely sure that they even desired a mascot, let alone a pregnant one! That's the latest from SucksNews!
Controversy: It appears that the Coachmen Club International quest for a new logo has snagged on an unexpected log sticking out of the waters of calm and tranquility after an overwhelming majority of members of voters approved the item offered by Professor Westover's logo committee. It seems that the logo is found to be not, after all, to their satisfaction, as it is too "white" and "bright". Warning, we may be getting into racial or ethnic waters here... But, be it what may be, the matter has upset the elites, since they are not accustomed to rejection. Interviews with committee members suggest that they are beginning to "cave" and seeking advice on new colors for the adopted logo. Professor Westover, who until its release, was a proponent of "white" and "bright" has, after modelling his new blue blazer with a replica of the new logo, decided that he would rather have "white" substituted with "tan" or "sand" or "antique white", as Dr. Warrens has suggested, or even something darker, who knows? As the controversy continues we at SucksNews will continue to keep you misinformed, as is our trademark! You betcha!
Congratulations: The addition of Ron "Jose'" Balzan to the Coachmen Club International is like breath of fresh air in an otherwise not so fresh pot. Jose' is an alumnus of LHS, an avid golfer, footballer, basketballer, baseballer and an honorably discharged veteran of the US Army, before the latest middle eastern shenanigans. A skilled M-60 Medium Tank Gunner, much celebrated by his commanding officers for being an expert marksman in the art of tank gunnery warfare, who rose to the rank of Sgt, Jose' is a recovering alcoholic, which he, to his credit and good character, freely admits and has offered to support the Club's members who need support with their problem drinking (you know who you are) and is therefore a real good addition to the membership . Welcome Jose'! For those of you who don't know Jose', he is not Mexican, he's Puerto Rican.
Turntable Review: This week's "Turntable" presentation by Sir Harvey was without parallel, outstanding, excellent and informative! It was a reminder of just how damn old we are getting. American Bandstand! That was 1957, and Bill Haley and his Comets were the rage. That's where we learned to like those "tan" pants with the little buckle on the back that did absolutely nothing to hold anything in place! And those girls could really dance, and those boys just make us wilt with envy. Guys: those were professional dancers! But who knew?
Way to go Harv! Keep it up! We like it! You're the greatest! And, if you're not, who cares!
Sports Review: As you may have heard the something, something "Super Bowl" game occurred on Sunday.
The Seattle Seagulls vs. the Denver Plowhorses. Our Al Jazeera affiliate covered the pre-game and post game scene and reported it as best he could, but he's an Indian from Mumbi and doesn't really understand the "three stages of American Football" very well, so he may have messed up a little, for which we sincerely apologize and will make sure to rely on a better source next year, if they do it again... scheeesch!
Classifieds: Notice! Bill Woijta has a new stash of Viagra for sale a competitive prices, insured, so if interested, contact him.
Etc Dept: Dick Neuses says his new knee is working good in the cold weather, but he's looking forward to spring. And, Pete Christensen as a new recipe for roasted squirrel, he's the best!
That's it for the week's review, if you hate the news and think it really sucks, keep tuned to SuchsNews, we're your best source for news, good or bad, true or fake, it's your alternative to the other guys. SuchsNews, an equal opportunity, soon to be international in crap... we are the Best! We mean, we work at it!
Flash! This just in from our Haitian correspondent: Sir Daniel Hoffman states he is definitely not, we repeat, definitely not, a "Metrosexual"! We'll follow up on why not in our next edition!