Flash: Manitowoc Maims Mirro Monument!
 
Our correspondents in Manitowoc inform us that the evil-doers therein have destroyed the last monument to our high school history by taking down the venerable Mirro Aluminum manufacturing plant on Washington Street!  The source of our parents' and our classmates' employment for yea verily so many years!  And without notice, too!  No chance to reconsider the impact of such a move and no positive plan to replace it with something extra special for us.  It's a plainly corrupt kapitalism on the move in Manitowoc, a paragon of democracy and right Catholic thinking.  It's like the Russians invading the Crimea!  It's like the Koch Bros. bossing us around, it's like Scott Walker.... arg!!!
 
Other Important News:
 
Nick Nitka has surfaced, and none too soon.  Nick was one of the original members of the Coachmen, before it went international and hoity-toity, no cuss words or dirty pictures... and we want to recognize his life-time achievements:  Nick has fathered 7 children, 17 grandchildren, and 7 great grandchildren!  He has not been out of bed for the last 54 years, poor devil!  But our mufflers are off to him... no greater gift has a man given than Nick to the posterity of his line!  Bravo Nick!  Next to Harvey for his exploits with a quart bottle of Kingsbury beer, you are our hero!
 
Turntable Review:

We were slightly disappointed this week with Harv's program.  First, the "Welcome Back" tune really makes me want to gag a barf when I hear it.  Can't he find a different rendition of it!  That faggoty guy singing makes me want to puke, no josh!  But, not to dwell on the discomfort...
 
Paul McCartney is not Irish!  The Scottish bagpiper company is definitely not Irish... but Harv threw this whole program together around "St. Patty's Day"!  Irish!  Not a spec of Ireland did he share with us!  Not one Irish tune did he give us... This on St. Patty's Day!  Harvey, you must be English, because no self respecting Irishman would be caught dead or alive in a "kilt", and only an Englishman would not know the difference between an Irishman and a Scotsman!  You can make amends by sending us a quart of good Irish whiskey, and a quart of good Scotch whiskey!
 
Coachman History:

Now for a bit of serious contemplation.  The Coachmen was formed in 1958 or 1959, nobody seems to be able to say for sure.  And, we have only a pitiful amount of evidence to secure our belief that there even was such an organization, except for our somewhat feeble memories.  But Lady Sharon, in her most graceful way, has produced evidence of the group's existence as early as 1960, by our estimate, via a picture of same taken by an unknown photographer, and consisting of an almost unrecognizable group of vintage autos and young men who might be us!  Via the picture attached to this publication.  Take a good look at it, and if you can identify any of the cars or people in it, please let Master Harvey know, since we are trying to identify those persons in the picture for the benefit of the posterity of the Coachmen, and, if the picture inspires you to search through old photos of yours which can add to the evidence of the early existence of this most august group, please send them on.  We would like to produce an album for members of such documentation of the past for all to come to enjoy.

Notice:

Today, March 20th, is the "Vernal Equinox", for you non-Latin speakers, the first day of spring in the northern hemisphere of our dear planet Earth!  Mark it well, and enjoy it.
 
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Flash!  The latest on all the dung we could find for the week!

Controversy:  The latest breaking news about the race for Coachmen  Mascot!  It appears that after our report about their cavorting together, MuscleCarMan and Fluffy the squirrel have gone to ground, so to speak.  The last report that our crack team of Investigative Reporters has is that Muscle man contacted a member of the Coachmen International from a pay phone (?) from Tish Mills to say that he (it) denied all claims of impropriety while cavorting with Fluffy and that no matter what he (it) would not be willing to pay child support or alimony.  Which seems fair under the circumstances, since Fluffy is not likely to produce offspring, as Fluffy is a "he" not a "she", which has been confirmed by her Ladyship, Sharon of Manitowoc, who is known to be reliable, since she is a graduate of St. Mary's Catholic School in that same city.  This news comes as a relief to the elites of the Coachmen Club International, since they were not entirely sure that they even desired a mascot, let alone a pregnant one!  That's the latest from SucksNews!

Controversy:  It appears that the Coachmen Club International quest for a new logo has snagged on an unexpected log sticking out of the waters of calm and tranquility after an overwhelming majority of members of voters approved the item offered by Professor Westover's logo committee.  It seems that the logo is found to be not, after all, to their satisfaction, as it is too "white" and "bright".  Warning, we may be getting into racial or ethnic waters here... But, be it what may be, the matter has upset the elites, since they are not accustomed to rejection.  Interviews with committee members suggest that they are beginning to "cave" and seeking advice on new colors for the adopted logo.  Professor Westover, who until its release, was a proponent of "white" and "bright" has, after modelling his new blue blazer with a replica of the new logo, decided that he would rather have "white" substituted with "tan" or "sand" or "antique white", as Dr. Warrens has suggested, or even something darker, who knows?  As the controversy continues we at SucksNews will continue to keep you misinformed, as is our trademark!  You betcha!

Congratulations:  The addition of Ron "Jose'" Balzan to the Coachmen Club International is like breath of fresh air in an otherwise not so fresh pot.  Jose' is an alumnus of LHS, an avid golfer, footballer, basketballer, baseballer and an honorably discharged veteran of the US Army, before the latest middle eastern shenanigans.  A skilled M-60 Medium Tank Gunner, much celebrated by his commanding officers for being an expert marksman in the art of tank gunnery warfare, who rose to the rank of Sgt, Jose' is a recovering alcoholic, which he, to his credit and good character, freely admits and has offered to support the Club's members who need support with their problem drinking (you know who you are) and is therefore a real good addition to the membership .  Welcome Jose'!  For those of you who don't know Jose', he is not Mexican, he's Puerto Rican.

Turntable Review:  This week's "Turntable" presentation by Sir Harvey was without parallel, outstanding, excellent and informative!  It was a reminder of just how damn old we are getting.  American Bandstand!  That was 1957, and Bill Haley and his Comets were the rage.  That's where we learned to like those "tan" pants with the little buckle on the back that did absolutely nothing to hold anything in place!  And those girls could really dance, and those boys just make us wilt with envy.  Guys: those were professional dancers!  But who knew?
Way to go Harv!  Keep it up!  We like it!  You're the greatest!  And, if you're not, who cares!

Sports Review:  As you may have heard the something, something "Super Bowl" game occurred on Sunday.
The Seattle Seagulls vs. the Denver Plowhorses.  Our Al Jazeera affiliate covered the pre-game and post game scene and reported it as best he could, but he's an Indian from Mumbi and doesn't really understand the "three stages of American Football" very well, so he may have messed up a little, for which we sincerely apologize and will make sure to rely on a better source next year, if they do it again... scheeesch!

Classifieds:  Notice!  Bill Woijta has a new stash of Viagra for sale a competitive prices, insured, so if interested, contact him.

Etc Dept:  Dick Neuses says his new knee is working good in the cold weather, but he's looking forward to spring.  And, Pete Christensen as a new recipe for roasted squirrel, he's the best!

That's it for the week's review, if you hate the news and think it really sucks, keep tuned to SuchsNews, we're your best source for news, good or bad, true or fake, it's your alternative to the other guys.  SuchsNews, an equal opportunity, soon to be international in crap... we are the Best!  We mean, we work at it!

Flash!  This just in from our Haitian correspondent:  Sir Daniel Hoffman states he is definitely not, we repeat, definitely not, a "Metrosexual"!  We'll follow up on why not in our next edition!
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